[satire warning for all you Americans out there!]
EXILED gangster John Gilligan is said to be thinking about making an emphatic return to the top of Ireland’s criminal underworld, following revelations that he intends to set up an organised charity.
Gilligan reportedly got the idea for the venture following the high-profile scandals of both Rehab and Positive Action, where it was revealed that both institutions had spent hundreds of thousands of funds raised for charity on expenses and salaries for members of their respective boards.
Positive Action, a support group for women who contracted the Hepatitis C virus, are currently under Garda investigation following revelations that over a four-year period the organisation spent almost €100,000 on therapies, including “angel healing” and “angel card readings”, and bizarre expenditures such as dry cleaning and dog kennels. Vast amounts of money were spent on alcohol and meals during overseas trips, with one director racking up €34,000 on taxi bills alone.
Stunned by the amount of money available to those at the top tier of Charitable Organisations, former drugs kingpin Gilligan has begun proceedings to set up his own Foundation, from which it is expected he will reap significant financial gain.
“Mr. Gilligan is currently wondering why he spent so much of his time engaged in illegal activities, when the option of being a senior member of a charitable organisation was on the table all along” said Michael Huntsman, senior legal advisor to Gilligan.
“He’s looking at setting up a cancer awareness thing, or sick kids; there’s always money in sick kids. He has the infrastructure all in place; in fact, running a drug empire and running a charity have so much in common. You supply something people want—some people want heroin, some people want to donate to a worthy cause—you send out people to collect the money, and the guy at the top reaps the rewards”.
“As it turns out, there’s very little difference between a charity mugger and a mugger; the money all goes to some criminal higher up the ladder. The only difference with the charity end of things is, even if you get caught, it’s unlikely you’ll ever be held accountable”.
If successful, Gilligan will join the upper echelon of Irish charity chiefs, alongside Rehabs notorious duo of Angela “Fat Hands” Kearns and Frank “The Weasel” Flannery.